Speech of Mr. Rithvi Pan Vachan at a Corruption Conclave:

Oh god! I am running late already.. I didn’t realise when I fell asleep… These secretaries also give me so much to read!! I was awake till 4 am in the morning just reading reading reading!!! Btw, I missed the last page of Archie Comics.. Archie finally marries Betty or Veronica?

I have to go to deliver an important speech at the ‘Propagation of Corrupt Practices’ meet. I had to reach at 10 am!! I am late, I am late!!

Where is my speech? Did my secretary put it in my bag? I will have to read it.. I am not at all spontaneous.. Oh!! Here it is. I must remember to thank Paji Pawar for writing this for me.. After all he is the best in this field. He is very intelligent in all such matters... He would have attended this event instead of me but he is away at the ‘dam(n)’ new project in Pune. Such a hard worker!! ‘Poor’ thing..

  

At the venue, after the felicitation:

Paji was right! The house is packed..

Reading the speech: “First of all I apologise for keeping you waiting. But there is a lesson in that: Those who are made to wait take the bait.”

Laughter in the auditorium…

“Today I am really honoured to address a houseful audience consisting of such eminent personalities. It is heartening to see that all of you look up to my party for innovative ideas in corrupt practices. 

The best way to propagate corruption is to do it every day, repeatedly, day in and day out, tirelessly, without any rest. It is a thankless job but someone has to do it! You have to sacrifice your conscience, your sleep, your family, and at times even your Swiss bank accounts but make sure that you persevere in your efforts. 

The best way to get to the top of the pyramid is to aim big and try to set newer records of corruption. The sooner the media gets whiff of it, the better it is for you. The best part is that you get free publicity and everyone will talk about you for some days. You become famous. But the trick is to keep your own mouth shut. Eventually the citizens will move on to other stuff. 

Don’t be a fool and offer to resign! No… that’s the worst you can do. It is like killing the golden egg-laying hen. As long as you are under the wings of Sonu and Manu, who are highly senior, influential and experienced members of the APU, nothing can stop you from applying your best practices of corruption. They are very encouraging. 

But beware, if you rub them the wrong way then you will end up languishing in jail. The corruption investigation agency’s head Mr. Popat, is a kind man and indebted to Sonu. He only does what she says. Such a good man and also keeps his word. 

Today, the economic policies adopted by the APU provide an excellent environment for practicing the best forms of corruption. Globalisation has helped to carry it beyond borders and earn in dollars!! That is the aim behind the falling rupee. FDI brings us the much more stable dollar so who cares about the rupee??

I end my speech on the note that Gandhiji said “Always aim for harmony of thought, word and deed” and we are great followers of Gandhiji. 

Jai Maharashtra!